Venting Room

Article written by one of our members!  Thanks Ann for allowing me to post it for everyone!

   An emotional survival guide for unemployment and beyond

   by Ann Plasso

   In the beginning of March I was laid off from my job at a company I’d been with for 21 years.  I was told my job was “eliminated” and given two- months of severance pay.   I felt discarded and put out by the curb.  Since I am well into middle age, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to find another position with the economy in the worst downturn since the Great Depression.  Unemployment was high and still rising.

   During the past several months, I’ve experienced a welter of emotions that have been a bit of a roller coaster – anger, sadness, fear, hope, eagerness for change.  I was been interviewed for one job but I did not make the final cut.  Most weekdays I spend several hours on the computer searching for work, submitting my resume and cover letter, and researching opportunities. In the beginning there were good and bad days, but I’ve managed to stabilize my moods and on most days feel an inner confidence that as long as I keep trying things will work out

   Each of us have our own story about how we became unemployed but we all share the same circumstance of having to find work in one of the most difficult job markets in recently history.  Most of us have seen the step by step articles written about how to find a job and are doing all we can.  One prominent piece of advice is to keep a positive attitude and frame of mind.  This may come naturally to some of us, but many of us feel our spirits flagging the longer we are out of work.   There are financial concerns, anxiety, demoralization when our applications are ignored, and a sense of drift because of the loss of our daily routine and the social contact that comes with regular employment. 

   Statistics show it is taking the unemployed longer to find work now than in previous recessions.  Depending on the kind of work you do and your skill set, it can take anywhere from four months to a year to get another job.  The situation can be especially trying for older workers, who in addition to the recessionary job market face age discrimination from employers and significant competition from younger workers.

   You will eventually find work, but how do you stay reasonably optimistic through your job search despite the setbacks?  In this article, I will share with you some tips, ranging from the practical to the sublime, on how I keep my spirits up during this challenging time of my life.

   Let the past go

   While feelings of betrayal, loss, anger, and hurt are common upon the loss of a job, holding onto these emotions for a long time will impede you from making a successful transition in your life.  The past is over – learn from it but do not live there.  Network with former colleagues if is useful for your future professional interests, but resist the impulse to keep in touch to hear the scoop about what’s going on or about office politics.  It’s no longer relevant to your life and can arouse resentful and negative feelings  A friend of mine used to say that she tries not to let people live in her head rent free, and I think this is a good strategy when it comes to former colleagues.  Sometimes when I find myself brooding over the past, I imagine a curtain literally closing over that window and my looking away at another path that represents my future.  Take your hard learned lessons with you but leave behind the rest.

   Look your best

   We all know we need to look good for interviews and networking, but what about the other days?  What about days we’re at the computer looking for work or days when it’s rainy and we stay in. Last week I went to the restroom in the library and when I looked in the mirror I saw a pale face without blush or lipstick and flat, lank looking hair.  I had on baggy jeans with an old corduroy jacket. That morning I had felt tired and clearly didn’t put much effort into my appearance. I said to myself, “ok Ann, you’ll never look like Angelina Jolie but you can do a hell of a lot better than this.”  Obviously, you don’t have do dress up each day, but wear clothing that is flattering and fits well.  If you are a woman and wore makeup and jewelry to work, put it on every day whether you have plans or not.  Get a good haircut when you need it.  And why save that vibrant red shirt for a special occasion – what better day than today to wear a bright color that stands out.  Remember, you never know who you’ll run into and even if you don’t run into anyone, you’ll feel more confident if you look your best every single day.

   Don’t “sleep in”

   My alarm clock used to go off at 6:15 when I worked and it still does. (Ok – I’ll admit to sleeping until 7:00 once in a while!)   Sleeping is what you used to do on weekends and you’re not on a perpetual weekend – you’re looking for a job and keeping your spirits up and you have things to do each day. So get out of bed with your alarm unless you’re sick or really in desperate need of the sleep.  Don’t linger in your pajamas or night gown.  Shower and get dressed and start doing what has to be done that day – exercise, breakfast, job searching, telephone calls.  Lolling around in your nightclothes with coffee just accentuates the fact that you don’t have to go into work anymore and gives you the license to mope around for a few hours, which is a not going to help you find work or stay motivated.  I give myself one day off from this, on Sundays, but I find that’s I’m up pretty early anyway.

   Take care of your health

   Anyone who has been sick for a long time will tell you that your health is your most important asset.  This is no time to eat a box of chocolates or polish off that bag of chips in the cabinet.  A little treat each day is fine (I eat some chocolate with my afternoon coffee most days), but stick to a nutritious diet full of the nutrients you need to keep strong and energetic for your job search and the rest of your life.  I’ve exercised most of my life and thought it would be easy to stick with my program when I lost my job because I’d have more time.  But I actually find it more difficult to find the pep to get my body moving now because a drift toward laziness and inertia wants to set in.  I’ve managed to fight it and keep exercising – I find brisk outdoor walks on sunny days are particularly invigorating and bolster my moods.  If you exercised when you were working, keep up your routine and do it at the same time.  If you weren’t exercising, what better time to take up an activity that is heart healthy, mind healthy, and will make your body look and feel better just when you need an added boost?

   See beauty each day

   You don’t need to wait for that vacation in Hawaii to enjoy the scenery – there is beauty right in front of you each day.  For years I walked home from work over the Massachusetts Avenue Bridge with the Charles River and waterfront stretched out on both sides.  Each day and during each season it was different.  In January, the sunsets were exquisite with pinks and oranges and mauves melded together and the fiery orange sun going down behind the buildings.  I always watched and was surprised that people seemed to rush by and not notice the stunning show going on for free right before their eyes. During my walk yesterday, I could not breathe in enough of the lovely lilac-scented air. My point is that savoring natural or man-made beauty doesn’t need to be confined to vacations, weekends, or museums.  We’ve all had the experience of noticing something lovely for the first time in a place that we’ve passed by many times and wondering why we didn’t see it before.  We weren’t practicing awareness – try it see what you’ve been missing.

   Keep your home clean, tidy, and cheerful

   Ok I know I’m not your mother, but she had a point when she told you to clean your room.  It doesn’t take much effort to make your bed, put your clothes away, and get those dirty dishes out of the sink.  Having to rifle through clutter and disorganized papers to find what you want wastes time and effort and provokes impatience.   For me, sitting in a sloppy room with a lot of clutter makes me feel stuck, out of control, and disempowered.  You don’t need to be Martha Stewart, but a reasonably clean, pleasant living space will reflect positively on your mood and sense of clarity.  And don’t let your family think you are going to do everything around the house because you’re out of work - make sure they continue to do their part.  Let the sun in too and have a few things around – pictures, knick-knacks, antiques – that you love and give you pleasure.  I keep glass bowls of shells and rocks from my travels because they bring a part of the natural world indoors. 
 
 

   Avoid negative people and situations

   You know this one but it’s easier said than done.  Sometimes these people are family members or people you run into in the normal course of your life.  A woman I know who is aware of my situation asked me a few weeks ago if I was working yet.  When I said no she exclaimed “you haven’t found anything yet?”  I had been out of work a little over a month.  She then proceeded to tell me how when she was laid off a few years ago she found her new job right away because “she got down to business.”  Needless to say, I was put off and felt defensive and miffed about her comments. Do you know someone who subtly undermines or criticizes you, who is persistently gloomy, or who just gets on your nerves?  As a general rule, these are not people you want to spend time, particularly not now when you need all the emotional and practical support you can get.  The litmus test is simple.  If someone’s company generally puts you in an angry, sad, or defensive mood, avoid them as if they carried the flu virus.  Remember that chronic negativity is contagious - don’t put yourself in the situation of catching a bout of it.

   Spend time with your real friends and supportive family members

   Real friends are different from casual acquaintances.  With friends there is mutual sharing and support and a real concern for each other’s well being and health.  Believe me, when things are difficult in your life you do find out who your real friends are.  A friend’s husband kindly offered to drive to my apartment late at night to sort out my computer problems (I was amazingly able to figure it out myself!).  One friend calls each week to check up on me and another sends me encouraging e-mails, sometimes with humorous attachments.  My wonderful sister prays for me every day and calls me regularly.  Notice the people who are there for you.  Treasure them and be there for them as well.  These are the people who will bring you soup when you are sick and listen when all you really need is to be heard.  Protect these relationships – they are not easy to find.  My circle of real friends is small, but it’s a case of quality over quantity.

   Cultivate a discipline

   Just about every day now for the past two years I do a little yoga and then settle in for 10- 15 minutes of meditation.  I simply sit quietly, follow my breath, and with my inner voice repeat any one of several mantras that help bring me into a state of peace and relaxation.  This is my daily discipline and I do it because it improves the quality of my life and state of mind.  Your daily discipline can be exercise, writing in a diary, playing the piano, praying, or simply cooking yourself one warm, nutritious meal a day.  Some days you will feel like doing it and others you won’t, but move through that and do it anyway.  If it was easy, it wouldn’t require “discipline.”  I’ve learned to get past my excuses and there has not been a day when I haven’t been glad that I did.  Having a discipline yields rewards, among them a sense of inner strength and competence and a feeling of accomplishment.  Each time you act positively toward yourself, view it as a shiny coin placed in a piggy bank that enhances your self worth.
 

   Have a positive attitude toward change

   There’s a famous Yiddish proverb “You can’t control the wind, but can adjust your sails.”  This is a wonderful metaphor for how to think about change.  I’ve heard quite a few people bemoan the fact that they have to look for a new job after working somewhere a long time.  They thought their situation would not change and that they might even be able to retire at the company they worked for.  Unfortunately, those days are over.  Loyalty between companies and their employees has diminished and we are now living in the age of layoffs.  Change is biologically built into the lifecycle.  We feel subtly different each day and have varying levels of energy since we’re literally changing at a cellular level.   Unforeseen things happen, sometimes good and sometimes difficult and tragic.  Trying to make things stay the same is a form of stagnation.  Since change will come whether we like it or not it’s best to view it as an opportunity to do something new, learn, meet new people, and generally reenergize our life.  Think of how a river moves with the wind, sometimes slowly and sometimes rapidly, but it flows and instead of knocking against obstacles like rocks and fallen trees, it gently moves around it.  Isn’t this better than trying to fight against the ever changing weather?  
 

   Give yourself a break from the news

   Do you really need to know about the latest plane crash, family shooting, or natural disaster?  Will it benefit you to know about political bickering or the latest foreign policy crisis?  I’m not talking about sticking your head in the sand permanently– democracy thrives on an informed and engaged populace - but your first priority is to keep yourself in a positive frame of mind and protect yourself from influences that jeopardize your sense of well being.  The violence, disaster, and misfortune often reported in the news may subtly seep into your life and create underlying anxiety and a sense of imminent threat, emotions we can ill afford right now.  I don’t watch TV during the day, have abandoned my 2-3 hours of MSNBC each evening, and turn the channel when I hear tragic stories about missing children or family violence. Of course you don’t need to spend your evenings translating French poetry and there’s nothing wrong with a little escapist entertainment once in a while.  Borrow movies from the library or tape a few of your favorite shows and zoom through the commercials. Better yet turn off the TV and read a book or do a crossword.  What better time than now to dive into that great classic novel you’ve always said that you’d get to some day?

   Make frugality fun

   No I’m not kidding – being a bit of a cheapskate can be fun and satisfying.  I admit to getting a thrill when I bought laundry detergent on sale and also had $1.00 off coupon. It no longer bothers me that the catalogs I used to pore over go straight to the recycle pile.  A few days ago I wandered into a consignment store in Harvard Square and tried on a pair of Italian designer slim fitting back pants that fit perfectly and would be ideal for interviews. The chic saleswoman said it looked like an “Audrey Hepburn type of style.”  She didn’t know Audrey Hepburn is my all time favorite actress and that the comparison with her made me giddy! I got a great deal on something that I needed.  Americans, unless forced by economic circumstances, have trouble making the distinction between need and want. How much of the shopping we do in our lives is based on genuine need rather than boredom or acquisitiveness? The knowledge that you can live on less is empowering.  Think about it – if you had been this careful with money when you were working wouldn’t you be much better off than you are now?  Many museums have free nights, there are free lectures and concerts, most parks do not charge fees.  Libraries are enormously useful resources for borrowing books, movies, and CDs.  Take pride in your resourcefulness. These frugal habits will serve you well throughout the rest of your life.

   Join a support or social networking group

   One of the most difficult things about being unemployed is the sense of isolation it can engender.  I miss chatting with co-workers and the rapport that comes with collaborative work relationships. It is essential that you don’t isolate yourself if you expect to stay positive and connected with the world during your time out of work.  Friends are a wonderful resource, but it is also important to seek out people who are in similar circumstances and perhaps experiencing the same emotional ups and downs. There are social networking and meet-up groups for people looking for work and they are a great place to relieve your feeling of being alone with your situation.  Talk to people, share your story, listen – our stories are one of the most powerful things we can share with others.  If you are shy or introverted, extend yourself in ways that take you out of your comfort zone.  You will meet interesting people, find out how they are coping, and discover that your feelings of vulnerability and loss are not unique.  Who knows – you might meet a new friend or someone who can offer you a tip for a new job. 

   Manage expectations

   You may get a job that is comparable to what you had and you may not.  It will in all likelihood take you longer to find whatever job you get than it has taken you to find other jobs.  We all want our standard of living to improve throughout our life but because of economic conditions some of us may not have as high an income or status as we’ve had in the past, at least for now.  Comparisons to what you had or what other people have are pointless and demoralizing.  Of course, you may make a higher income than before and be better off, but for many of us that will not be the case and it is better to be realistic about our short-term prospects.  This does not mean that you can’t strive to improve your situation if you find a position that doesn’t meet your financial or professional needs, but take each situation as it comes and congratulate yourself on your effort and determination each step of the way.

   Cultivate your spiritual self

   For some of you, this means that you keep attending your church, synagogue, mosque or other place of worship.  Others may not be associated with a formal religion or be traditional believers, but that doesn’t mean they can’t have a spiritual life.  The word “spirituality” is fraught with connotations.  It is not “new age” or exotic in any way but simply means coming in contact with a realm more spacious than the self that all of us are part of along with every other living thing on the planet.  People access their spiritual selves in many ways – being out in nature, spending time with animals, prayer, meditation, quiet reflection, or even doing volunteer work. I follow the simple meditation method described in Herbert Benson’s classic “The Relaxation Response.” It is essential that each of us have a time when we let go of what we’re grasping on to and settle into a place of healing that is both peaceful and generative.   Remember, we all have the same DNA in that we sprang from the same source.  Whether you believe that is God or nature or something else is your own business but there is strength and joy in reveling in that source.   A person who has a rich spiritual life has something that cannot be taken away by any person or circumstance. 

   Find the humor in daily life

   They don’t call it “comic relief” for nothing! Humor improves mood and can give a unique perspective on just about any situation.  While the world holds many horrors it is also fraught with comedy and absurdity as well.  Most people who know me well might consider it odd that I am writing about how people can stay positive during difficult economic times and protracted periods of unemployment, since I’m a bit of a cynical realist.  But I also have an irreverent sense of humor and part of the reason I’ve coped so well is that I often see the humorous side of things and it cheers me.  I try to find something amusing each day – whether it’s the antics of my cats, a funny news story, or the kind of weird twists of irony that often pop up when dealing with human foibles.  It doesn’t matter whether you get your chuckles from “America’s Funniest Home Videos” or the satire of Jonathan Swift.  I take my laughs where I can get them and so should you — humor is a healthy and nurturing part of life that will help lift your mood. 

   Channel your inner warrior

   OK I don’t mean you can should go out and argue with people! Your inner warrior is strong, focused, prepared for what comes up and willing to fight for what they want.  My brother, a successful entrepreneur, called me from Utah a few weeks ago to check up on me.  I told him it was discouraging trying to find work in this economic environment and that I was working hard at it and trying to keep my spirits up.  He said “you know we’re a family of fighters and we don’t give up.” It’s true that we’re a feisty bunch, and I’m not going to relinquish this family tradition now when I most need it.  A warrior gets up when she or he is knocked down, rises to challenges with courage, class, and confidence.  So stand up tall, hold your head up, and be proud of yourself and what you’ve accomplished in your life.  As human beings, we have a natural instinct toward survival.  It is during these times of testing that you will discover how truly strong and resourceful you are.

   Be kind to yourself!

   You may be feeling a bit bruised right now.  It’s not easy when your efforts don’t bear fruit right away and feelings of rejection that started when you lost your job can easily erode your self esteem.  It’s your job to make sure you treat yourself kindly and respectfully.  This means that you expect others to treat you with respect as well.  Following the steps I’ve described will help you take care of yourself, but you should also remember that this is no time to berate yourself over mistakes or opportunities that don’t pan out.  The economic and business conditions that caused you to lose your job are out of your control and have nothing to do with your competence and ability to contribute. Be a friend to yourself. Treat yourself once in a while to something you really enjoy – a movie, visit to an ice cream parlor, an evening out with friends, even a massage if you can afford it.  Self-kindness is not selfishness or narcissism – it’s a vital contribution to maintaining a positive emotional attitude now and throughout your life.
 

   I hope these suggestions will be helpful to you both while you are unemployed and when you are working.  Remember, losing or leaving a job is an opportunity to make a positive change in your life, perhaps even one that can permanently alter the course of your personal and professional life. While it’s important to listen to advice, when it comes to job choices, follow your own best instincts on what’s important to you and what feels right.  You’re the person that actually has to live your life each day with the consequences of your choices.  Stay healthy, strong, dogged, and positive and you’ll get that new job! 
 

   Ann Plasso is a writer living in Somerville, Massachusetts

   She can be reached at annplasso@comcast.net